Everything’s going great with someone you really like, then you do something that ruins it.
You pick fights over stupid stuff, get all weird and distant, or decide you suddenly need space right when things are getting good.
Trust us, we get it – you’re not crazy, and this happens to way more people than you think.
But once you figure out why your brain does this annoying stuff, you can actually stop it and keep the good ones around for once.
5 Reasons Why We Sabotage Good Relationships
Everyone messes up good relationships sometimes. Maybe you are having a great person in your life, and then doing everything you can to avoid them. Yes, it does sound crazy. But we do these things for real reasons.
Reason 1: Fear Always Wins Over Love.
The truth is that you hurt them first because you’re afraid they’ll hurt you, and it’s a form of mental self-defense.
You meet a truly amazing person. They send you sweet texts, remember what coffee you like, and make you laugh so hard it hurts.
But you stop liking it and start acting strange. You might not text back as often or get angry over small things like being five minutes late.
Bartholomew and Horowitz say that people with “insecure connection” keep their distance from others to protect themselves because they think they will get hurt. It’s not smart, but your brain is just making sure you’ll be alone.
How does it work?
- They show you love → You think “this won’t last”
- You start pulling away → They feel rejected
- They actually leave → You think “see, I was right”
It’s like setting fire to your own house to keep your neighbors from breaking in.
Reason 2: You Don’t Think You’re Worth It
Unfortunately, you learned some time ago that you don’t deserve good things. Therefore, it is not right when someone is nice to you.
They give you flowers for no reason, tell you you’re pretty when you just woke up, and listen to what you have to say about your day. Normally, you should be happy, right? However, you keep telling yourself, “They don’t know the real me” or “Wait until they see how bad I am.”
According to Bartholomew and Horowitz, this is known as having a “poor self-image.” Basically, you’ve told yourself that you’re not worthy of love, so when it comes along, it feels fake.
It’s easy to feel unworthy of love when that inner critic hijacks your mind a theme also explored in Unmasking Your Inner Critic To Go From Confusion To Clarity In Relationships, where emotional clarity becomes your best ally.
How To Tell if This Is You?
- You don’t care about compliments.
- Focus on what’s wrong with you.
- You wait for them to “wake up” and leave.
- You think they want to settle down with you.
Reason 3: Stress Makes You a Detective
A stressed brain is the same as a malicious brain. When you’re afraid of losing someone all the time, you do things that make them want to leave.
For example, they call you every night, but not tonight. Your mind doesn’t stop to think about “maybe they’re busy,” it goes straight to “they’re losing interest.” By morning, you’ve either sent twelve texts about how scared you are or don’t answer them at all.
Studies show that nervous people are “hypervigilant“ in relationships, meaning they are always on the lookout for signs that they are being turned down. The problem is that when you expect bad news all the time, you often make it happen.
Why Stress Makes Everything Worse?
- You think too much about everything—every word, tone, and look.
- You have to keep seeing proof that they care, which wears you out quickly.
- Little problems turn into big ones: they’re tired, which means they hate you.
- You keep testing them, which makes them want to stay away.
Reason 4: Old Wounds Make You Do Dumb Things
You do the same things in new relationships that worked in the old ones, even if those plans don’t work or aren’t right for the case.
Tell me about yourself: When your ex was mad, they would ignore you, so you changed how you were to stay out of fights. Now, if your present partner seems even slightly annoyed, you freak out and try to fix everything and be perfect, which makes things worse instead of better.
For example, Main and Solomon found that people repeat “disorganized patterns” from their past without even understanding them. Sometimes your brain tries to use old ways of staying alive that no longer work in new settings.
What Are You Saying Over and Over?
- Drama got attention before → You create drama now
- Being independent kept you safe → You avoid closeness now
- Pleasing people prevented pain → You become a doormat now
- Shutting down protects you → You go silent when things get real
Reason 5: Control Feels Safer Than Love
They can control you when you care about them. That’s very scary. As a result, you feel less vulnerable and try to control everything.
The reallity is that you always need to know where they are and changing plans makes you mad. Or you want to make sure by checking their phone. You’d rather be in a relationship that is dull and regular than one that is exciting and unsure.
Peel and Caltabiano believe that people who have “trust problems” tend to try to control their partners to feel safe. But love and power can’t be in the same place.
Backfire-controlling tactics
- Going through their phone and social media
- Finding it annoying when plans change
- They are trying to change who they are.
- Limiting what they can do
- Wanting to know everything about their day
- Real love means letting someone harm you and believing that they won’t.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Relationships Before They Happen?
Okay, now you know why you mess things up. However, how do you stop yourself before you do it?
The cool thing is that your brain and body warn you before you start to sabotage your relationship. It’s like having a warning that goes off before you damage anything.
Here are 5 self-sabotaging relationship signs
1. Your Body Starts Acting Weird
Levenson and Gottman claim that your body knows when you’re in danger long before your brain does. It’s kind of like having your own protector watch over you.
How Does It Feel?
- Your stomach becomes tight for no reason.
- A fast heartbeat, even when nothing bad is happening
- Your shoulders are hunched over like you’re carrying hefty luggage.
- It seems like you can’t breathe normally.
Do you remember when your partner said they wanted to meet their parents last week? You felt squeezed in your chest and didn’t know why.
And your body was telling you “danger!” before your brain knew what was going on.
How To Fix It?
- Stop what you’re doing and take 5 slow breaths.
- Put your hands on your chest and feel your heart rate calm down.
- Ask yourself, “What scares me the most right now?”
- Send a message to someone and say, “I’m feeling weird about my relationship, but I don’t know why.”
2. Your Thoughts Go Dark
When things are going great, all of a sudden, you start picturing them with someone else. Or, you start making plans for what you’ll do when they break up with you.
Your brain says:
- “This is too good to be true.”
- “They’re probably gonna leave me anyway.”
- “I should end this before it gets worse.”
- “Something bad is definitely about to happen.”
This way of thinking is known as “catastrophic thinking,” and research has shown that it’s an early sign of relationship problems.
How To Fix This Problem?
- Note those scary thoughts on a piece of paper or in your phone.
- Read them out loud, and you’ll hear how crazy some of them sound.
- Think, “Is this actually happening or am I just worried it might?”
- Ask that friend who always tells you the truth to help you grow.
3. Your Emotions Feel Too Big
| Feeling | What It Looks Like |
|---|---|
| Overwhelmed | Everything feels like too much |
| Anxious | You want to run away from perfectly normal situations |
| Angry | You get mad about tiny things |
| Numb | You feel disconnected from everything |
Let’s say you’re eating dinner with their family. Everyone is nice, but you’re really struggling. Your mini-panic attack happens while you’re leaving to use the bathroom.
According to Salgado, when your feelings get too strong, your brain shuts down, and you do things you’ll later regret.
How To Fix This Problem?
- Simply say, “I need 10 minutes to relax.”
- Fight back by screaming into a pillow in your car.
- Do something cool, like take a hot shower or splash your hands with cold water.
- Jump jacks for 30 seconds to get rid of all that crazy energy.
- Listen to that one song that makes you feel better every time.
4. You Start To Look for Problems
Anytime they say they’re having lunch with a friend, you feel like a spy. “What did you talk about?” Why did you not tell me before? Who paid?” In the end, you turn a regular lunch at work into proof that they might be cheating.
What You Do All the Time
- Carefully read each text message.
- Compare them to other people’s partners.
- Keep fighting over old problems for no reason
- Only notice their small flaws and not their positive characteristics.
This is what marriage experts call “problem vigilance,” as your mind works like a detective, looking for reasons to leave the relationship.
Quick Fix Solutions
- Just stop and count to 10 when you see you are being picky.
- Believe in yourself and ask, “Am I looking for problems because I’m scared?”
- Just think of three good things about them.
- Put down your phone and stop reading their texts.
- Instead, go do something that makes you happy.
5. You Want Space (But Not the Good Kind)
When closeness makes us feel unsafe, our natural response is to create space as a safety measure.
Signs of Trouble
- You don’t text as much anymore
- You don’t make plans for the future.
- It makes you want to be alone all the time.
- You are “busy” when they want to hang out with you.
You suddenly “need to focus on yourself” after a great weekend together. Thus, you stop being friendly and start going to the gym more and hanging out with friends every night.
Tips To Fix This Sabotaging Behavior
- Ask yourself, “Am I afraid of how much I care?” before you leave.
- Send them a sweet text instead of staying quiet.
- Meet up next week to do something small.
- Don’t keep your feelings inside; instead, tell a trusted friend what’s on your mind.
- Remember that it’s normal to want space after being close.
Your Emergency Action Plan Before Sabotaging Relationships
If you see red flags, do the following:
Step 1: STOP
Avoid sending that text. Do not start that fight. Take no action. Simply stop.
Step 2: NAME IT
Say aloud, “I’m scared,” “I want to run away,” or “I’m looking for problems.” By giving it a name, you weaken it.
Step 3: REMEMBER IT’S NORMAL
Your brain wants to keep you safe. Thank it for caring, and then let it know you’ve got this.
STEP 4: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
If you want to avoid hurting your partner, try telling them:
- “I’m scared about us, and I don’t know why.”
- “I want to pull away, but I don’t want to.”
- “Can we talk?” Something makes me feel weird.
Many of these self-sabotaging habits come from hidden assumptions and mental chatter a core topic in Don’t Be a Crab, where you’ll discover tools to manage your inner dialogue and build clarity in your relationships.
How to Deal with a Self-Sabotaging Partner?
Being with someone who sabotages is like dating someone who is scared of their own shadow.
Honestly, it’s tough to keep up with them when they act like you have the plague one minute and then they’re all over you the next.
You two enjoy the most wonderful night together talking till three in the morning, laughing at dumb jokes, and feeling completely connected but the next day, they act strange and distanced.
What Does and Doesn’t Really Work?
Don’t fall for the trick: Your first reaction when they start acting strangely is probably to become defensive or try to solve the problem they are talking about. But that just feeds their drama loop and shows their fearful brain that partnerships are risky.
Call it out and be calm: Try saying something along the lines of “hey, you often go distant after we have really wonderful times – what’s going on?” rather than arguing over the dishes or whatever other small thing they’re upset about.
Make some rules: You can allow them to treat you like trash while still understanding that they’re afraid. Say something like:
- “I get that you’re upset, but it’s not cool to threaten to end our relationship every time we argue.”
- “I realize you have trust issues, but looking through my phone goes too far.”
- “I want to be there for you, but I’m not your punching bag.”
How to Talk to Them Without Making It Worse
Select your time: They can’t hear you when they’re in panic mode, so don’t try to talk to them when they’re having a breakdown. Hold off till you have some downtime when you’re truly connected and at ease.
Pay attention to what you see instead of what they’re doing wrong: Replace “you always destroy everything good” with “I notice you pushing away as we get close.” In the first, they feel noticed, while in the second, they want to flee.
FAQs
What are examples of self-sabotaging relationships?
Getting into conflicts over nothing when things are going well, or becoming chilly while your spouse is being kind to you. You might also say you’re going to break up every time you fight, flirt with other people when you’re happy, or cause trouble right before big moments in the relationship.
I sabotaged my relationship and regret it, what now?
Nobody has ever been in your shoes, so don’t be hard on yourself. Rather, tell them you’re scared in an honest way. Plus, focus on what you learned about yourself instead of saying sorry over and over if they talk to you.
How does anxiety cause self-sabotaging relationships?
When you’re stressed, your mind turns into a detective who is looking for trouble, and every late text or tired look is seen as proof that they’re losing interest.
How to help someone who self-sabotages relationships?
Calm down when they act strangely, and instead of fighting about small things, carefully tell them what’s really going on. Say something like, “I see you’re pulling away. Are you scared about us?” because fear is often the real problem, not what they’re whining about.
