We get in the way of finding love and keeping relationships going. The more we’ve learned about relationship sabotage, the more we’ve seen how our childhood hurts and fears as adults make us avoid the bonds we want.
Researchers like Peel, Caltabiano, Hawthorne, and others have shown that it’s not just bad habits that make us act in certain ways in relationships. It’s also how our brains are wired for those behaviors. You can change these habits, whether they are the “lone wolf” attitude, going radio-quiet, or playing relationship detective.
What Drives Us to Sabotage Our Relationships?
Sometimes, we mess up our own relationships even though we want love. That’s sabotaging a relationship. Fear makes us do bad things or make people uncomfortable, and most of the time, we don’t even realize that we are Relationship Sabotage.
Let’s see the reasons for this behavior.
When Old Wounds Hold Us Back in Love
Peel and Caltabiano did an interesting study in 2020 that showed how hurts from the past affect our love lives now. They found that after having their heart broken, most people are very afraid to get close to someone new.
Another way to look at it is that they’d rather end things early than wait to get hurt again. It feels like your heart is locked up—you want love, but your old fears keep getting in the way. The study really showed that people would rather mess up than have someone else do it for them.
Here are some similar phrases that describe how they feel:
- “Once bitten, twice shy”
- “Walls up, heart closed.”
- “Better safe than sorry.”
- “Playing it too safe to win.“
How Childhood Love Lessons Follow Us Into Adulthood
Peel and Caltabiano found that the way we feel about love as kids pretty much determines how we feel about relationships as adults. As kids, if we don’t feel safe in love, our brains form what they call a “weak relational model.”
This means that our brains understand that relationships will fail. Guess what? We often unintentionally repeat the same patterns from our youth, even when we want something different to happen.
When Protection Becomes Our Biggest Enemy in Love
Peel’s 2019 study has something truly fascinating to share. Do you know how we can protect ourselves by putting little tests or problems in our relationships? They found that this happens a lot of the time.
But it’s funny how the things we do to protect our hearts—like staying away, starting fights, or trying our partner’s loyalty—are the very things that drive love away as Relationship Sabotage. It seems like we accidentally make our fears come true because we’re so scared of getting hurt.
A lot of people have said things like, “What you fight continues.” That’s exactly what’s going on here. “Playing with fire gets you burned” and “making walls only keeps love out” really say it all.
Broken Trust: The Aftermath of Past Betrayals
Peel & Caltabiano uncovered that one of the main three reasons people hurt their relationships is because they don’t trust each other. When someone has experienced betrayal in the past, they often act like relationship detectives in their next relationships, always on the lookout for warning indications that things may go wrong.
They start to keep a mental space from their partner and ask a lot of questions all the time. They seem to be trying to stop betrayal, but in reality, their attention to detail drives their partner away.
Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to fix. It’s also true that love sees no flaws, and fear makes the wolf bigger than it is.
How Does Childhood Shape Our Push-Pull Patterns?
We really carry our childhoods with us into our adult relationships and shape two main ways we interact with others. It’s true what they say: “Old habits die hard” and “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Let’s look at these trends that affect how we push and pull in relationships:
- Pattern of Anxious Attachment: Think about kids who didn’t know when they would get love and care; it happened all the time. As these kids grow up, they become people who are very careful in relationships, always looking for signs that they might be turned down. They’re stuck in a dance where they want to be close but are also testing their partners to push them away.
- Avoidant Attachment Pattern: Now, imagine kids who learned early on that it was wrong to show how they felt. As adults, these kids keep everyone at a safe distance. They do want partnerships, but they stop when things get too real or close. They seem to know how to “keep their cards close to their chest” and “never show their full hand.”
| Childhood Impact on Adult Relationship Patterns | |||
| Pattern Type | Childhood Root | Adult Behaviors | Relationship Impact |
| Anxious Pattern | Inconsistent care
Unpredictable attention Fear of abandonment |
Hypervigilance
Constant monitoring Emotional reactivity Need for reassurance |
Clingy behavior
Testing relationships Emotional intensity Fear of rejection |
| Avoidant Pattern | Emotional suppression
Learned independence Limited affection |
Emotional distance
Difficulty with intimacy Independence focus Suppressed needs |
Relationship avoidance
Commitment fears Quick to withdraw Maintains distance |
| Secure Pattern | Consistent care
Emotional support Reliable attachment |
Healthy boundaries
Clear communication Emotional stability Trust in others |
Positive expectations
Healthy intimacy Conflict resolution Relationship stability |
| Source: Based on research from “The Relationship Sabotage Scale” (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021) | |||
What Are the Warning Signs That We’re Relationship Sabotage?
When we push people away, we believe we’re keeping ourselves safe, but what we’re really doing is making ourselves lonely. We build walls to keep pain out, but we don’t realize we’re also keeping love out. Here are the signs:
- Playing the Lone Wolf: You keep saying, “I can handle everything by myself.” Even when you’re overwhelmed by work or stress, you’ll dismiss any help with the phrase “I’ve got this.” Maybe your freedom is more like protection than a badge of honor for you.
- Going Radio Silent: Those texts take a long time to answer now, and you have a million reasons why you can’t pick up the phone. You only talk about work and the weather when you do talk.
- Being a Detective: You’re always testing people by breaking plans or telling them secrets to see who can keep them. It’s like gathering proof for a case you already know the outcome; people will leave in the end. Remember the saying, “Trust is like twisted paper; it can’t be straight again.“
- The Emotional Moonwalk: When someone shows true concern, you begin to back off. It’s delicate and elegant, like Michael Jackson’s moonwalk. There are times when you might crack a joke, change the subject, or remember that you have to be somewhere else right away.
- The Relationship Wrecking Ball: You find ways to mess things up just as matters are getting better. It’s possible that you fight over small things or can’t stand the sound of them chewing.
- The Self-Made Prophet: It’s kind of like being a future reader who’s right about everything. You’re already making up the split story in your head when someone is late. And after a breakup, you think, “See? I knew it!” If you expect something, you’ll get it.
How Does Self-Sabotage Show Up in Different Types of Relationships?
In each relationship, the way we hurt our bonds is different, but there is a clear pattern: we build walls instead of bridges. When we’re in a relationship, we test our partners and cause trouble just as things get serious.
But when we’re with friends, we keep things light and ghost them when they get too close. Unfortunately, family relationships suffer when we avoid getting together with others and stick to old habits.
This also happens at work, where we avoid being coached and keep our coworkers at a distance.
| Relationship Type | Key Sabotage Patterns | Common Behaviors | Impact |
| Romantic | Fear of intimacy | Testing loyalty, creating drama, emotional withdrawal | Difficulty maintaining long-term relationships |
| Friendship | Commitment avoidance | Inconsistent engagement, surface-level connections | Limited deep friendships |
| Family | Resistance to change | Avoiding deep talks, maintaining old patterns | Strained family bonds |
| Professional | Independence over connection | Rejecting mentorship, resisting feedback | Limited career growth |
How To Stop Sabotaging Our Relationship?
Next time you want to upset someone or push them away, stop for a moment and ask yourself, “Am I really stopping the love I want, or am I just protecting myself?” We can break out of that automatic push-away habit with just this short pause. A moment of waiting can save a lifetime of sorrow.
1- Growing Love Through Positive Vibes
Canevello and Crocker’s study from 2010 shows this cool thing. They studied 115 roommate pairs and found something about positive responsiveness – it’s like a relationship superpower! What you give comes back to you tenfold. What goes around comes around.
How to build those good vibes:
- It should be your goal to really understand and help your partner.
- Make time for those little joys every day; they don’t have to be big.
- When they speak, pay attention with your heart as well as your ears.
- Always keep your word and be a rock for them.
- Remember that “little things” mean a lot: show that you care about their life.
2- Powering Up Your Relationship Game
Take a look at what Jakubik discovered in their 2024 study about how to stop failing yourself. It turns out that getting better at yourself is important for making bonds stronger. Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
How to use power to make connections better:
- Get people on your team who can give you different points of view.
- Take regular “me-time” to think about how you can improve.
- Stay within your boundaries; good walls make good friends.
- Talk to people you trust about it; they might see things you can’t.
- Turn relationship bumps into opportunities to learn.
- Pay attention to how you act with other people.
3- Knowing How to Handle Your Love Feelings
During their 2024 study about feelings and relationships, Hawthorne and their team found something pretty strong. People often say, “Feelings are like waves; you can’t stop them coming, but you can learn to handle them.” The study found that the best way to keep relationships from falling apart is to be emotionally intelligent.
Practical techniques to manage such emotions:
- Learn what makes you choose one relationship over another based on your feelings.
- Learn your go-to moves for when you’re having a bad day.
- Deal with feelings right away; don’t let them build up.
- Every day, pay attention to how you feel.
4- Smart Talking, Better Loving
Communicating well is like having an advantage in a relationship. It’s not enough to just talk; you need to bond. Words are the voice of the heart, after all. For deeper insights, explore Better Relationships Through Active Listening to enhance your communication skills. Have a look at this structure that helps stop mischief by making talking better:
Learn how to use “PAUSE” when things get heated:
- P: Take a deep breath and count to ten if you need to.
- A: Pay attention to how you feel
- U: Try to see things from their point of view.
- S: If you’re not sure, ask.
- E: Be careful when you share your ideas.
5- Have Daily Love Rituals
Make connecting every day! Do not forget that “stability is the key to a relationship.” You can make your relationship rock strong by doing these little but powerful things:
- “Three Daily Touchpoints” should happen: a quick “hello” in the morning, a “thinking of you” word in the middle of the day, and a catch-up in the evening.
- Start “Appreciation Week” by telling each other three things you love about them. Because being thankful for what we have makes it enough.
- If things are getting tough, make up your own signal, like a strange handshake or a secret word.
6- Growing Together, Getting Better
Your relationship could be the best thing that ever happens to you. After all, when it comes to growing, “two heads are better than one“:
- Each month, choose one goal for yourself and one goal for your partner.
- Have those progress chats once a week and talk about your wins, failures, and ways to help each other.
- Make a relationship toolkit with your partner – You can learn new things from books, classes, or therapy.
- Remember that “every step forward counts,” and celebrate your small wins.
7- Setting Loving Limits
Good limits are essential to healthy relationships. This works for all kinds of ties, like family, friendship, and love:
- Make a “Boundary Map” of what you must have, what you might want, and what you will not stand for. Check it every few months.
- Learn how to say “no” in a kind way. For example, “I care about you, AND I need…” A good fence really does make a good friend.
- Check your boundaries often to make sure they’re helping you and the relationship grow.
- It’s a good thing when people accept your limits, because “respect gained is respect repaid.”
8- Getting Out of the “Crab Mindset”
We can be like crabs in a bucket sometimes, pulling people down just as they’re about to hit the top. Let’s break out of that pattern! We can change those bad habits into something good by combining the “Don’t Be A Crab” advice with the “Converting Confusion into Clarity” method. Don’t forget that a rising tide lifts all boats!
How to Begin with Observer Mode (CCC Level 1):
- If you find yourself pulling away from closeness, stop.
- Be aware of when you’re downplaying someone else’s wins.
- Let yourself feel when fear makes you fight instead of bond.
Going into CCC Level 2 Analyzer Mode:
- Remember what makes you afraid of other people’s growth.
- Take note of how often you push people away.
- Pay attention to the voice inside you that makes you defensive.
Using Manager Mode to Take Charge (CCC Level 4):
- Stop and breathe three times when those “crab thoughts” come up.
- You should ask yourself, “Am I in crab mode right now?” What else can I do to help?”
- Change your competitive ideas to ones that aim to work together.
Last Words
When it comes to love, we can be our own worst enemy and push away the bonds we really want. Someone once said, “We hurt the ones we love a lot.” But that doesn’t have to be the case. We can build walls instead of bridges because of old hurts and bad memories from childhood, but there is hope! This in-depth look explains why we sometimes hurt our relationships and, more importantly, how to stop doing things that hurt ourselves.
